Part of me really hates writing these crappy introspective posts about anything negative, because - well sometimes it feels like a bunch of emo bullshit and opens the doors for all sorts of nonsense. But, I'm also a girl, and I think there are a lot of us who appreciate transparency displayed by other girls - and moms are no exception.
If I had tried to write this last week it definitely would have come off as some sort of hectic inner conversation of a person on the verge. I won't go as far as saying I'm not crazy (I should never really say that, to be honest, haha), but I don't want to pretend like I'm all sunshine and positive energy either.
After we got the news two weeks ago that baby had a CCAM and needed to be monitored more closely, I've been on a roller coaster - more of a roller coaster than is normal with pregnancy. I felt definite relief and hope after our level two ultrasound. Baby looked okay, other than this giant mass pushing its heart to the side.There was hope and lots of possibility for a good outcome, but a lot of time and unknown in the meantime.
The time and unknown have become my enemies.
You get pregnant, and you don't think about anything else but this baby growing inside of you. You know him or her, you love him or her, and he or she is like a little magnet attracting all of your thoughts. This isn't always the case, but it's always been the case for me. This time was not an exception. The problem was there were so, so, SO many more things to think about when it came to baby, and time slowed down to a freaking standstill. Worse than the last days of pregnancy, and we all know how mind-numbingly slow that time passes.
I was speaking with a friend, and the concept of "what are the odds" came up. If you've ever had something bad, something improbable happen to you, you know that the odds don't mean shit. You know that it can give your mind some relief to know that things aren't likely, but you still know that any possibility is possibility enough.
It's been a relief to hear so many instances of parents having situations similar to ours, and the good outcomes associated. But there is also the irritating small details, like the fact that we're still on high alert about this mass, and that we have little room to work with (literally). It's gotten better to handle, but I still can't shake the fact that this could have a very unhappy outcome.
It's almost pathetic when I type it, but it's true, so I'm going to just go ahead and leave it there. I know that we're in amazing hands, and I know that we have so many people who care about us. And that means all the world. But I'd be lying if I came out and said I'm always thinking good thoughts and have complete faith.
I don't want this to come off like I'm sitting here thinking myself into a deep, dark hole, but I don't want to give people the impression that being strong means ignoring the bad moments. It has helped me to hear that others have been in those moments of "What the hell?" and come out ok. Because I have a good feeling there are going to be a lot of those moments in the upcoming months.
Right now we're basically getting a new prognosis every time we go in for an ultrasound. We're looking for one of two things, and our next steps are always unknown until we know more. That has probably been the hardest thing to handle.
We have an echo cardiogram tomorrow and then another ultrasound on Wednesday. I'm already more nervous than I can describe. I go between hope of getting good news and trying to steady myself in case that doesn't happen. It will definitely be another long couple of weeks either way.
Again, I want to thank everyone for their positive thoughts, and I hope this hasn't given the impression that they were all for nothing, because they have meant a lot.
Time and the unknown - two things I've never been good at managing, but I guess it's about time to start learning!
Lots of love to you all!